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So me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and have happy relationship. We rarely argue but over the last few months (after a few drinks) we have had a few arguments that seem to all stem back to one thing: our sex life.

When we first started dating we were having sex 2/3 times a week (we only see each other at weekends) and were having lots of fun but in January my boyfriend injured himself and as a result we couldn't have sex for about 6 weeks. Since then, his injury has come back twice and has meant that the amount of sex we're having has declined to once a week or sometimes once a fortnight and alot of the time I think this is down to the fact that he is worried about hurting himself again (which is completely understandable and he really has had bad luck with it ).

However, I am finding it difficult having less sex than before and I find myself irrationally worrying about the reasons why we aren't having sex. For example, we went for a month without sex in July and I got really upset thinking it was me, he wasn't finding me attractive etc. and it was during a drunken argument that he told me that his injury had come back and that was why. Now obviously, that's completely fair enough but because he hadn't told me I had no idea what was wrong!

This weekend we had a small argument because (whilst out tipsy) I whispered in his ear that I was looking forward to going home and having sex with him and he turned round and just went 'not tonight. I feel tired and urgh'. Naturally the drink exacerbated how I felt but I felt really rejected. When we got home I tried to talk to him about it and he told me that sometimes I make him feel inadequate.

I feel so awful that I could make him feel like that. How can I explain to him, without making him feel even more inadequate, that I miss having sex with him and that I wish he could communicate with me more openly if he's worried about it because of what's happened in the past or the way he seems to be perceiving my actions? I feel like a complete sex pest! I just really miss the intimacy and find it really difficult to cope with not knowing the reasons why we're having less sex.

I'm not really sure on this one.

But there are probably a lot of chaps reading this thinking "You are an ideal girlfriend" or "What on earth is wrong with him".

I'd say that guys find their manhood VERY precious. The fact that he's unable to have sex is probably making him feel like "less of a man".

From what I can tell there is no reason why your sex life has to diminish completely. My advice would be to plan a night together. Reassure him that you're not expecting sex and both of you agree to try not to have any expectations. Agree not argue. And then start slowly and enjoy yourselves. Try something new (if you haven't already done it) like massaging? Focus more on the foreplay. Explore each other's bodies. Spend more time kissing. Relax. Take your time. Try different things. Be more intimate but without having sex (if that makes sense).

I think this would help you both feel connected again and if he sees you're not expecting anything from him, and you don't view him as less of a man, then I could see it helping him . Also, try and support him through his injury, and be patient. I'm sure you'll both be better of because of it. Hopefully, once he sees that you're trying and that you're not pressuring him - hopefully he will begin to open up to you. If guys think that they're going to be "attacked", they clam up. PLEASE don't think I'm saying that you do that, but this is from my own observations.

Good luck x

Difficult to give advice without knowing what the 'injury' is. Is it directly sex related and caused by sex? He needs to talk to a doctor about him - if he is worrying for no reason, then your relationship is the problem, not the injury.
A sex drive is like a hunger for food. It is satisfied, but will reappear soon enough. A man only goes so and so long before he wants to have sex again. If he isn't having sex with you - or someone else - he is most likely masturbating to porn. Porn addictions are quite common. Well bottom line is, his urges aren't gone. Sex drive can only permanently go down if you abstain from sex AND masturbation for 30 days straight, and that is something which is done with strong determination, not 'accidentally'.

You are right that something in wrong and the lack of sex is a clear symptom of that. But I don't know if the injury is legitimate, if he has gone to several doctors about it or what.

Ah, if it's that kind of injury, of course he is going to be worried. It must cause him a lot of pain and discomfort and it could well be that every time he has sex now, he's going to be scared that it happens again, and that it will heal in a way that causes even more discomfort next time, which I could imagine would be a major turn-off. In other words, part of his mind isn't on you and the pleasure between you, but on potential pain and injury.

He'll also know that you want sex more often than you're having now, and this could be affecting his self-confidence - he no doubt wants to please you, but there's that obstacle standing in his way. So he'll feel pressured, and the pressure will affect his sex-drive, too, and so it goes around and around. He probably feels ashamed about it, and that's why the communication from his end is lacking.

All in all, this issue is, for a big part, psychological, I think. It might be a good idea for him to see his doctor, about both the mental and the physical aspects of it. In the meanwhile, as difficult as it is for you, I'd try not to worry that he no longer feels turned on by you, and I'd try to be patient.

I do think it's worth having a calm chat about it, with no pressure, and no blame, and no accusations - to let him know that you understand, but need for him to be open with you. And you can suggest that there are other things you can do... you won't need that part of him for everything!

Besides, when you are doing other things, he may get carried away enough to stop worrying about injury. Just take your time together, and hopefully all will be okay.

Oh, and use lots of lube, that should help with the discomfort and should make tearing less likely.

Difficult to give advice without knowing what the 'injury' is. Is it directly sex related and caused by sex? He needs to talk to a doctor about him - if he is worrying for no reason, then your relationship is the problem, not the injury.
A sex drive is like a hunger for food. It is satisfied, but will reappear soon enough. A man only goes so and so long before he wants to have sex again. If he isn't having sex with you - or someone else - he is most likely masturbating to porn. Porn addictions are quite common. Well bottom line is, his urges aren't gone. Sex drive can only permanently go down if you abstain from sex AND masturbation for 30 days straight, and that is something which is done with strong determination, not 'accidentally'.

You are right that something in wrong and the lack of sex is a clear symptom of that. But I don't know if the injury is legitimate, if he has gone to several doctors about it or what.

It's completely unfair to make such sexist assumptions - reasons for reduced sex drive (in men and women) can include depression, stress at work, fatigue or hormonal changes, and your post doesn't mention any of these things, blaming either him or the relationship.

Umm you seem to be doing a lot of drinking. You could probably resolve this by drinking less ? It might help to look at it clearly atleast. All the best.

If his injury hasn't healed after so long, surely he should go see a doctor asap!?

If this has been going on for a long time and keeps returning, I do think he should seek medical attention. Maybe you could suggest that you'll go together so you're there to support him and that way you have some idea and better understanding of what's going on too. As stated previously I agree that manhood is very precious to guys and he maybe just feels emasculated. He's probably equally worried but perhaps a little apprehensive about going to the doctors for it.

Perhaps he's building more of a wall around himself because he feels that you're expecting sex and the worry of having to reject it is putting you both in an awkward position.
It seems like the best thing to do would be to sit down with him and just tell him how you're feeling then let him open up to you, once he hears your reasons and insecurities you will both understand a lot more about where the other is coming from and maybe then all of the little drunk arguments will stop. You could maybe even find a route around his "injury" without it completely removing sex even if it's just lengthy foreplay?

On another note this could actually add a little more intimacy into your relationship and reconnect you emotionally rather than physically instead of thinking of it as a lack of sex, use the opportunity to go out and do new and fun things that bring you closer together as a couple.

This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

Was the pun in the thread title intended? :P

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Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Sex issues in my relationship getting us both down :( - The Student ...

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