Ken Solin: 20 Traits A Boomer Man Wants In A ... - Huffington Post

Don't Rely On Luck
A year ago I wrote an article listing the 20 qualities I wanted in my next boomer lover. It garnered more than 1,000 comments, both supportive and critical.

While a fair number of commenters agreed that having a list was smart dating, some suggested I had a lot of nerve just for having a list. Others, that my list was unrealistic because no such boomer woman existed. And some espoused the blue-sky philosophy that the best way to date is just to meet a stranger and get to know that person over time. But we're smart boomers, and we don't need to waste months dating someone only to discover negative information that was available before a first date. Dating is about quality, not quantity, and your list will qualify the best potential dates.

Kissing Too Many Frogs
I stuck with my list because I wanted to meet a woman who was as much like me as possible, a philosophy that every relationship expert agrees has the greatest chance for success. I'd already wasted far too much time discovering to my chagrin that the woman I'd dated for several months wasn't a good match. And much of what I missed initially, I might have known had I used a list.

Make It Happen
A little more than six months ago I met the most amazing, 64-year-old boomer woman who had 19 of the 20 traits on my list. That we are both happier in this relationship than in any previously isn't a coincidence or luck. That Sarah matched 95% of my desired traits, and that we laugh easily and often, make sweet love, hike, cook together, enjoy hanging out and talking for hours on end, and are becoming best friends, isn't a coincidence or luck either. While six months is neither brand new nor long-term, we're off to a far better start than either of us can remember in past relationships. We resolve issues effectively and without rancor, because we treat each other in the same respectful, loving manner we do our best friends.

Be The Person On Your List
My list worked because I embodied all the traits I listed. If I hadn't, my list wouldn't have been fair or realistic. Sarah and I share identical traits, core values, and beliefs, and not surprisingly, our personalities mesh perfectly. We are the complete opposite of that disproved old chestnut that opposites attract, that not one, relationship expert supports.

What's On Your List?
I'd really like to hear from men and women about the traits in a partner they feel are most important. Your list will be different than mine since we're all unique individuals, and I'm interested in learning what other people are looking for. Knowledge is power in every aspect of life, including dating.

Rediscover Who You Are
But there's another good reason for making a list besides narrowing the field. It's an opportunity to refocus on your own traits, beliefs, and core values, because in order for your list to work, it needs to accurately reflect who you are, now. Every boomer has passed through stages in life, so it's unlikely you're exactly the same person you were even a decade ago.

Anecdotal Evidence
Is my dating list story anecdotal? Of course it is, but Sarah and I are no different than most other boomers looking for love. Our traits, values, and beliefs, that describe who we are, what we believe in, and how we live life, match perfectly. Your list will help you avoid bad choices and identify good ones. Chemistry is impossible to predict without meeting in person, but if you've covered the rest of your bases, it's mostly all that's left to be determined.

The Universal Tool
There's nothing romantic or cool about wasting precious time in the wrong relationships, especially if any were preventable. Smart dating is not becoming involved with someone who doesn't share your traits, core values, and beliefs. This is a no-brainer, and there's no downside, so make a list and get ready to meet the partner you deserve.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

• Culprit: Medication

  "Medications that are prescribed for stroke issues and heart issues can have devastating effects on sexual functioning," explains Dr. Janice Epp of the Institute of Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. In addition, researchers have found that a family of <a href="http://www.springerlink.com/content/0483x4276q80417q/" target="_hplink">antidepressants known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI) can take the winds right out of your sails</a>. These drugs include brand names such as Prozac, Zoloft and Paxil.

• Fix: Talk To Your Doctor

  Don't be shy -- talk to your doctor about how your prescriptions are affecting your sex drive. "There are a whole lot of new drugs that don't necessarily have those side effects, but it takes a lot of experimenting," says Dr. Epp. "Sometimes it takes three to four different tries to find the one that's best for you."

• Culprit: Pain Or Discomfort

  "People of both sexes can develop pain disorders as they get older, and that can have a big effect on sexuality," notes Patty Brisben, founder and chairwoman of Pure Romance, a company that specializes in selling sex toys and providing information on women's sexual health issues.

• Fix: Mix It Up

  Brisben suggests re-evaluating your definition of sex. "Being intimate does not necessarily mean having sex in the traditional sense," she says. Some solutions sensual touching and massages and mutual masturbation. Dr. Epp suggests looking into new positions. "Sit on a chair, try being in different positions," she says. "Side by side actually puts the least amount of stress on your joints."

• Culprit: Lack Of Sleep

  The <a href="http://www.sleepfoundation.org/article/how-sleep-works/how-much-sleep-do-we-really-need" target="_hplink">National Sleep Foundation</a> recommends getting seven to eight hours of shut eye a night. But with the stress of work, kids, bills and, oh yeah, your marriage, who can think about fitting in time to have sex, much less sleep?

• Fix: Plan Sex Dates

  For some couples the days of random romps may be behind them, and that's alright, says Dr. Epp. "Plan some sex dates around times that you know you feel more energetic -- it lets you look forward to it," she says. "Some people say, 'Sex should be spontaneous!' to which I say bullsh*t," she says, laughing. "You plan other things in your life and you don't complain about it. You can do the same with sex."

• Culprit: Menopause

  Waning libido and vaginal dryness are two unpleasant side effects of menopause. With increased longevity, "women can now expect to spend a third of their lives in post-menopausal years," Brisben said. "So understanding how you're being affected by those changing hormones is essential."

• Fix: Creams And Lubricants

  A dip in estrogen may lead to thinning vaginal walls and itchiness in the area. According to the Mayo Clinic, <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/vaginal-dryness/DS00550/DSECTION=treatments-and-drugs" target="_hplink">treatments can include </a>vaginal estrogen creams such as Estrace and Premarin; a flexible estrogen ring that is inserted; or estrogen pills, patches or gels.

• Culprit: Avoiding Frank Conversations About Sex

  "I think if you're just now embracing this subject at or around age 50, you've got some catching up to do!" Brisben tells <em>Huff/Post50</em>. But it's never too late to start having a frank and honest conversation with your partner about what you want in bed.

• Fixes: Accessories, Letters, Books, Therapy

  "I recommend having these conversations out of the bedroom and when you have some alone time," Brisben says. "Be open, be receptive and be ready to listen." Don't be afraid to bring some playfulness to the discussion. "Shop online for intimacy products together," Brisben suggests. Or write your partner a letter: "Tell them what you'd like to introduce into your intimate relationship." Another tact: Read sexy books together and share what interests you and what doesn't. "If you find these conversations are still hard to have ... a sex therapist or counselor is trained to help," Brisben adds.

• Culprit: Not Addressing Problems Down There

  It's the one part of aging and sexuality that gets the most attention: erectile dysfunction, which is <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/erectile-dysfunction/DS00162/DSECTION=causes" target="_hplink">often rooted in some larger physical problem, including heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes and obesity</a>, according to the Mayo Clinic. Medications and drug and alcohol use can also play a role.

• Fix: Prescriptions, Pumps And More

  Ubiquitous ads promote the popular little blue pill to cure impotence, but there are <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/erectile-dysfunction/DS00162/DSECTION=treatments-and-drugs" target="_hplink">other treatments as well, including vacuum pumps, implants and surgery</a>, according to the Mayo Clinic.

• Culprit: Thinking You Have To Be 'In The Mood'

  According to the movies or steamy prime time television shows, passion goes from 0 to 69 with a mere glance, a bitten lip or a bad pun. But "as we age, our bodies slow down and we have less energy," Dr. Epp tells <em>Huff/Post50</em>. "That's naturally occurring, but it can have an affect on our sexuality."

• Fix: Learn The Difference Between Arousal And Desire

  Rethink the connection between arousal and desire. Tell your partner if you need more than the <a href="http://www.womansday.com/sex-relationships/sex-tips/sex-by-the-numbers-103274" target="_hplink">average 20 minutes spent on foreplay</a>.

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Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ken-solin/love-over-50-20-traits-a-boomer-man_b_3279716.html

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